This blog had been used for my journalism class in the past semester, but now I feel like it’s my duty to keep on postin’. Not to mention, I enjoy it.
So to get on with it already, my first post in this new chapter of my blog is still going to sound like me, I’m still going to offer my opinion, whether it’s asked for or not, but it will not be focused on journalism. The topic of journalism may come up every now and then in the course of my blog, but now I will be writing about more general and varied topics. I would even appreciate people asking me to write about a certain topic. If I have no idea what your topic is, I will say so, and research it and form an opinion based off of that research, but there will be a post about it regardless of my initial knowledge of the stuff. So feel free to bombard me with your inklings, I should enjoy to expand my horizons.
This first topic I’m discussing is coming from my dear old brain. I have had quite a year. A year that has tried my patience, my endurance, and my sanity, but enough with the melodrama, I have yet to spontaneously combust. This year has proven to be one of the most emotional in my sweet, young life. My mood swings challenge the most obnoxious pregnant woman and the most steroid-pumped athlete. Let’s just say I change my mind, A LOT. Needless to say, I’ve reflected a lot on my own. A word that keeps flashing in my mind is this: loneliness. I’ve felt lonely about as much as any other person I imagine, something seems missing, even though you have friends around. But in my crazed emotional state this past year, it’s an emotion I’ve felt more frequently and more intensely.
I’m not exactly sure why I’ve felt this way. When I start to get in a slump I’ll admit, I talk to myself. I tell myself of the friends and family I have. I think of how nice it is to not constantly be around people like I am at work. To have some peace and quiet is a nice thing. I used to be a bit of a loner. I had the best time reading by myself, walking and hiking around outside by myself, even watching a ton of movies by myself. I still do these activities, but now they’re accompanied by more than just peace, they’re joined by vacantness. All of these thoughts got me thinking, is this normal? Does everyone need distractions from everyday life?
I wonder as I imagine a lot of people wonder- about our significance, about what it really means to live a good, happy life. But there’s a question I’ve had burning brighter in my brain: Why are we afraid to be alone with ourselves? Think about it, a lot of the waking hours are spent thinking about the past and the future. I plan ahead for practically everything, and I look forward to things. When I’m not anxious for my life to get started, I ponder things that happened in the past. Things I would have changed, things that could have lead to something grand, fond memories I want to relive, just everything except the present. If I were to erase the past and the future from my current thinking, I would be left with what was before me-myself. Who wants to spend that much time thinking about themselves? We all have faults we’d like to correct, emotions we’d like to hide and fears we’d rather keep in the dark. I know when I have nothing planned, nothing to look forward to and all the sweet memories are too hard to recollect, I sit and stare at the space in front of me. Sometimes it makes me feel calm, other times it makes me sad, almost as if my life is a disappointment to what it could have been. But what’s worse is not being able to place the sadness. It feels ridiculous when there’s no cause. I have friends, family, education, entertainment, good health, etc. What more could my selfish self ask for?
I used to not be afraid of my own thoughts, so what changed? I’m still trying to figure it out. When I read Virginia Woolf this past semester in my Brit Lit class, she reflected on how much time was spent in the here and now. When free association could just crop up and not be batted down by plans and regrets. It really touched me that she sensed the same thing that I did: that we are all creatures living anywhere but the present. Maybe it’s too scary to think that we could change things in a moment, and that moment is now. It’s too sudden and we’re very deliberate people. Hell, it’s what we’re all taught, to make decisions based off of fact, research, and lots of thought. But what is all that thinking for, if it never leads to action? I pose a lot of questions, I know, but that’s something. Maybe I’ll eventually act on my brain siftings.